https://www.facebook.com/JonathanPieReporter/posts/359339262219842

This guy is in bed with his wife when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that" says his wife, so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside. "Eh mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push??"

"No, hop it, it's half three. I was in bed" says the man and shuts the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, you are a twat. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to hop it??"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??"

He hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

"I'm over here on the swings." came the reply

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder in a flame,and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witch doctor continues "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year ! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over ?"

The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. So he's lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife, sleepily, turns over and says... "What did you say '123' for?"

Five facts about You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You

1. You're so lazy You didn't read all the You's.

2. You didn't notice I put a Yoo.

3. You are now looking to find out.

4. You are laughing because you realise there is no 'Yoo' and you've been tricked.

5. You are going to
forward this to others who are like 'YOU'!😜😜

Angry parents have slammed a library service in London after a monkey costume with a fake penis was used to promote a children's summer reading challenge at the weekend.

An actor in a multi-coloured outfit, with genitalia and nipples, was brought out, as part of an event to encourage children to look at more books over the holidays.
The library, which is run as an arm of Redbridge Council called Vision, first responded to comments online about the penis with "if you have got it, flaunt it".

A traffic officer drew alongside a speeding car on the motorway.

As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that there was a young lady behind the wheel, knitting.

The policeman cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!"

"No!" the girl yelled back, "Scarf!"

https://www.facebook.com/betty.yohannes.94/videos/1555363141522209

Red Arrows will be coming this way tonight for the Wembley flypast. RAF sticklers for being on time. Keep your eyes open!

West of Henley-on-Thames - 7.42pm

North of Maidenhead - 7.44pm

North of Slough - 7.46pm

Wembley Flypast - 7.48pm

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & Sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell . ...... . Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting Married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof... Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

The country is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive... So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-876f42ae-5e44-41c0-ba2d-d6fd537aadfe

Another serious crisis in the future according to a TV program if we --do not -- stop injecting our animals the antibiotics will have no effect in humans.
With a throwaway society, medications useless, global warming will the human race still exist in a 100 years?

Coronavirus spreading explained

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-40ac92b1-1750-4e86-9936-2cda6b0acb3f

Here is an interesting article about personal data and who buys and sells it.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-57443597.amp

Film Darkest Hour on BBC1 7.35
can't find the previous thread for recommendations.

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine,I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while.

Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub,take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

Our hearts go out to Chris and his family
His dear son had only just welcomed his own child into the world

https://news.sky.com/story/chris-eubank-devastated-after-son-sebastian-found-dead-days-before-30th-birthday-12352672

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-kent-57777935 An example of why services such as this should never be privatised.

5% of profits during the period. An incentive to rectify problems or just a business expense?
https://www.gov.uk/government/news/record-90m-fine-for-southern-water-following-ea-prosecution

6,971 illegal spills between January 2010 and December 2015 across 17 sites in Kent, West Sussex and Hampshire.
168 previous convictions and cautions.
£2.7m fines in three separate but similar cases since August 2013.
Wastewater discharged at hundreds of litres per second with a total of 16 to 21 billion litres pumped into the sea, the equivalent of 7,400 Olympic swimming pools. https://www.itv.com/news/meridian/2021-07-09/southern-water-fined-90-million-over-sewage-spills

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2021/jul/09/southern-water-fined-90m-for-deliberately-pouring-sewage-into-sea

With changes being announced or confirmed this Monday for the 19th has anyone noticed a change in people’s behaviour?

The Nationality and Borders Bill is the cornerstone of the government’s New Plan for Immigration, delivering the most comprehensive reform in decades to fix the broken asylum system.

The bill – and the wider plan – has 3 key objectives:

To make the system fairer and more effective so that we can better protect and support those in genuine need of asylum

To deter illegal entry into the UK breaking the business model of criminal trafficking networks and saving lives

To remove from the UK those with no right to be here

The introduction of the bill was preceded by a consultation, which the government has carefully considered. The government will publish its response in due course.

https://www.gov.uk/government/collections/the-nationality-and-borders-bill

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-9766703/ALP-MEHMET-Priti-Patels-crackdown-migrants-weve-heard-before.html

What if he is innocent? It means the murderer is still out there

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/balaclava-clue-could-clear-michael-24493168

Wayne Couzens a Met Police Officer has pleaded guilty to the murder of Sarah Everard.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-57774597

....if you don't own a chequebook?

Here's a heartwarming tale – and isn't social media brilliant for this sort of thing? https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-57763362

There are still answers to find in the Book and author anagrams quiz. But these are just cryptics:

1
Perhaps this sauce showers reciter (14) Worcestershire (Terry S)

2
Radio shuns birth of Belize before 1973 (7, 8) British Honduras (James C)

3
Populate chart on Mac to display a regal dwelling (7, 5, 6) Hampton Court Palace (Terry S)

4
Notice inroads have been made into careful thought (13) Consideration (Terry S)

5
That which is plucked or bowed in front of a hospital department could be exacting (9) Stringent (Terry S)

6
Kitchen equipment from a small hand movement (9) Microwave (Audrey F)

7
In your boots or round your waists (5, 4) Spare Tyre (Audrey F)

8
Drew with a very soft centre and gave to a waiter (6) Tipped (Audrey F)

9
Let it stand, my lad, it will probably go over your head (7) Stetson (Terry S)

10
Influence what puppeteers do (4, 7) Pull strings (Terry S)

11
Airport contains delaying tactics (15) Procrastination (Audrey F)

12
Regulated nicotine with toxic mail is a total lie (14, 12) Terminological Inexactitude (Audrey F)

13
Singlet to show perspiration maybe (7) Glisten - (Audrey F)

14
Skyline laws might lead to cheers (6, 4, 6)

15
Place plumber in a bowl with custard (5, 7) Apple Crumble (Audrey F)

16
Most seen dessert (4, 4) Eton Mess (Terry S)

17
Curate a pool, load it into a desert (8, 7) Colorado Plateau (Audrey F)

18
I inordinately accept a cab to a predecessor of Wikipedia? (13, 10) Encyclopaedia Brittanica (Terry S)

19
Sue lugs band’s camera to make products with Protected Geographical Status (10, 8) Cumberland Sausage (Audrey F)

20
Soda causing bother at a media head office (12, 5) Broadcasting House (Terry S)

Just a warning -
1. I have had 2 emails purporting to be from my local council, asking me to click on a link to enable a council tax reduction. All very realistic - but as it is automatically adjusted by DD they have the details already and so don't need to ask for them
2. and another email thanking me for subscribing to something (I haven't)and saying £90.00 subscription will be taken off my credit card - I have pasted this one below
but irritating - and worrying for some people


Greetings from TOP CASH BACK UK LLC

You are ready to begin getting the best cashback in the whole world by TOP CASH BACK UK LLC.

Total for order #TB200633994: £90.00

Attention: Your credit card will be charged £90.00 after the 7 days trial period.

After the probation period, your premium plan will begin at £90.00 plus any tax). To cancel your account get in touch with us at +44X20t45/772584 and our customer support will lead you through the account termination process. You should do that before the end of the trial period and you won't be invoiced. Afterwards, your subscription will automatically renew each month until canceled.

It is an automated email, so we will not answer to any replies that might be sent to it.

Thanks,

TOP CASH BACK UK LLC crew

The Ever Given which managed to block the Suez Canal and cause mayhem for shipping due to pass through the area, has been given permission to leave the mooring after a large sum of money was paid to the Egyptian Government.

She is currently heading north up the canal towards Port Said. Before going on to Rotterdam.
My screenshot shows her position a few minutes ago.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-57746424.amp

There were two prawns, James and Christian, swimming along the bottom of the ocean. James accidentally rubs up against an old lantern and whoosh, a genie appears and grants James two wishes. After a moment's thought James decides that he wants to become a shark so as to gain the respect of all the creatures of the sea.
Whoosh.............James becomes a shark and swims off.
Two weeks later James is upset. All of his old friends are now afraid of him and his life is miserable. He decides to use his second wish, and he wishes to be a prawn once again.
Whoosh....Now a prawn again, James swims away to look for his mate Christian.
When he arrives at Christian's house he knocks on the door and shouts out for Christian.
"Go away", says Christian, "you're a shark and you'll just eat me".
"No I won't", shouts James, "I'm a prawn again Christian".

A SILENT TRAGEDY

There is a silent tragedy that is unfolding today in our homes, and concerns our most precious jewels: our children. Our children are in a devastating emotional state! In the last 15 years, researchers have given us increasingly alarming statistics on a sharp and steady increase in childhood mental illness that is now reaching epidemic proportions:

Statistics do not lie:
• 1 in 5 children have mental health problems
• A 43% increase in ADHD has been noted
• A 37% increase in adolescent depression has been noted
• There has been a 200% increase in the suicide rate in children aged 10 to 14

What is happening and what are we doing wrong?

Today's children are being over-stimulated and over-gifted with material objects, but they are deprived of the fundamentals of a healthy childhood, such as:
• Emotionally available parents
• Clearly defined limits
• Responsibilities
• Balanced nutrition and adequate sleep
• Movement in general but especially OUTDOORS
• Creative play, social interaction, unstructured game opportunities and boredom spaces

Instead, in recent years, children have been filled with:
• Digitally distracted parents
• Indulgent and permissive parents who let children "rule the world" and whoever sets the rules
• A sense of right, of deserving everything without earning it or being responsible for obtaining it
• Inadequate sleep and unbalanced nutrition
• A sedentary lifestyle
• Endless stimulation, technological nannies, instant gratification and absence of boring moments

What to do?
If we want our children to be happy and healthy individuals, we have to wake up and get back to basics. It is still possible! Many families see immediate improvements after weeks of implementing the following recommendations:

• Set limits and remember that you are the captain of the ship. Your children will feel more confident knowing that you have control of the helm.
• Offer children a balanced lifestyle full of what children NEED, not just what they WANT. Don't be afraid to say "no" to your children if what they want is not what they need.
• Provide nutritious food and limit junk food.
• Spend at least one hour a day outdoors doing activities such as: cycling, walking, fishing, bird / insect watching
• Enjoy a daily family dinner without smartphones or distracting technology.
• Play board games as a family or if children are very small for board games, get carried away by their interests and allow them to rule in the game
• Involve your children in some homework or household chores according to their age (folding clothes, ordering toys, hanging clothes, unpacking food, setting the table, feeding the dog etc.)
• Implement a consistent sleep routine to ensure your child gets enough sleep. The schedules will be even more important for school-age children.
• Teach responsibility and independence. Do not overprotect them against all frustration or mistakes. Misunderstanding will help them build resilience and learn to overcome life's challenges,
• Do not carry your children's backpack, do not carry their backpacks, do not carry the homework they forgot, do not peel bananas or peel oranges if they can do it on their own (4-5 years). Instead of giving them the fish, teach them to fish.
• Teach them to wait and delay gratification.
• Provide opportunities for "boredom", since boredom is the moment when creativity awakens. Do not feel responsible for always keeping children entertained.
• Do not use technology as a cure for boredom, nor offer it at the first second of inactivity.
• Avoid using technology during meals, in cars, restaurants, shopping centers. Use these moments as opportunities to socialize by training the brains to know how to work when they are in mode: "boredom"
• Help them create a "bottle of boredom" with activity ideas for when they are bored.
• Be emotionally available to connect with children and teach them self-regulation and social skills:
• Turn off the phones at night when children have to go to bed to avoid digital distraction.
• Become a regulator or emotional trainer for your children. Teach them to recognize and manage their own frustrations and anger.
• Teach them to greet, to take turns, to share without running out of anything, to say thank you and please, to acknowledge the error and apologize (do not force them), be a model of all those values ​​you instill.
• Connect emotionally - smile, hug, kiss, tickle, read, dance, jump, play or crawl with them.

Article written by — Victoria Prooday

https://yourot.com/parenting-club/2017/5/24/what-are-we-doing-to-our-children

I have two best buys.

The first best buy - reading glasses.
Since I had my cataracts done and the subsequent YAG laser treatment, my annual spend on spectacles has fallen from £400 + per year (vario lenses) to less than £1 per year for a pair of 1.25 reading glasses from Poundland.
Obviously you need to make sure that the pair you buy will do the job (don't just buy on the the label strength - check that you can actually see and feel comfortable with them).
If your eyes require different strengths, test out how each feels with the strength required, buy one pair of each strength, then remove the dodgy lens from each pair and use the good ones to make a working pair - for the grand sum of £2. Unless your vision is going to alter drastically, they should last for quite a while.

My second best buy - a tennis racquet fly zapper. Often used, always effective. If the perisher won't fly out, then he won't be flying any more.
They are probably no longer available, as they must cost more than £1 to make. But I bought a few in the past and they will see me for a good while yet.

What is your favourite Poundland purchase?

Many people think that our Seasons are due to the Earth`s distance from the Sun during the elliptical orbit e.g The Earth is closer to the Sun in Summer and further away from the Sun in Winter.

Well, they are wrong, back to the drawing board. Since it is Summer in Australia when it is Winter in Europe and vice versa, the Earth`s distance from the Sun is not the cause of our Seasons.

Seasons are caused entirely by the TILT or axial shift of the Earth during its own normal axial rotational orbit around the Sun. The axial shift is mathematically precisional and is constant for every year and every orbit.

The Earth tilts 23.44 degrees on its rotational axis around the Sun perpendicular to Polaris (the North Star).

I think I`ll have a beer.

The Queen has given the NHS the George Cross

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2021/07/04/queen-awards-george-cross-entire-nhs-courage-pandemic/

What do members think and how do they feel about the possible strike action by Consultants

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-57690068

...

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those buggers just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls

Tequila Mockingbird.

Never read Fitzgerald? You Gatsby kidding me!

“Never mind” —a passive aggressive Raven.

Dystopian novels are so 1984.

But first, Kafka.

Why is John Milton a terrible guest at game nights? Because when he’s around, there’s a pair of dice lost.

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? Two kilo mockingbird.

Brontë? What a breath of fresh Eyre.

Forever Jung.

You’re nothing but a Wilde thing.

Waldo goes to India and finds himself.